The Fault Is Not Mine

Look, I love a good story. I’ll fall for morally gray antiheroes, cry over reformed villains, and happily let fictional chaos reign—as long as it stays between the pages. But every so often, a character struts into a book and makes me think: Oh no, you and I could never be in the same room. One of us would not survive—and it wouldn’t be you.

So here’s my official, lovingly curated list of characters I never want to meet. Not even for brunch. Not even if they’re bringing mimosas.

1. Christian Grey from Fifty Shades of Grey

I don’t care how rich you are or how many gliders you own—if you try to buy me a car without asking and then gaslight me into signing a contract about my own body, we’re going to have words. You can’t seduce your way out of controlling behavior, sir. You just can’t.

Why I’d Avoid Him IRL: Because I’d end up arrested for throwing a copy of his NDA at his face in a Starbucks.

2. Lestat de Lioncourt from The Vampire Chronicles

Yes, he’s charming. Yes, he’s pretty. But the man is chaos incarnate. He causes problems on purpose and then acts surprised when the world catches fire around him. You just know he’d show up at your funeral, dramatically sobbing at your casket, somehow turning it into his moment.

Why I’d Avoid Him IRL: Because I like being alive, and I like my drama fictional, not immortal and constantly monologuing.

3. Every Toxic Ex in a Rom-Com Who Comes Back “Changed”

You know the one. The manipulative ex who shows up halfway through the book and tries to derail the plot with a heartfelt confession and a slightly new haircut. Suddenly they’re “reformed” because they learned how to make sourdough or do yoga. Sir, no. We remember you.

Why I’d Avoid Them IRL: Because people don’t magically become less emotionally unavailable because they bought a plant.

4. Professor Who Doesn’t Understand Boundaries™ (a.k.a. the Bad Academic Love Interest)

Ali Hazelwood writes great scientists. This is not about them. This is about the creepy ones lurking in dark academia novels, quoting Nietzsche while emotionally manipulating their students. They wear tweed and have too many opinions about Wuthering Heights.

Why I’d Avoid Him IRL: Because I’d spend the whole conversation asking, “Is this therapy, or are you hitting on me?”

5. The “I’m Not Like Other Girls” Girl

I used to be her. Then I grew up and discovered feminism, moisturiser, and the joy of group chats. The Not-Like-Other-Girls Girl doesn’t like women who wear makeup, reads only 19th-century male authors, and thinks she’s the blueprint.

Why I’d Avoid Her IRL: Because she’d judge my romance novel collection and then borrow my mascara when no one’s looking.

6. Victor Frankenstein from Frankenstein

A classic, yes. A genius, sure. But let’s be real: the man had one bad lab day and abandoned his child/creation/trauma monster like it was an Amazon return. And then he just… kept making bad decisions. Over and over.

Why I’d Avoid Him IRL: Because he’s the kind of guy who ruins your group project and then blames “fate.”

7. Any Demon Who Offers Me a Deal in a Gothic Cathedral

Tempting? Absolutely. Do I want to flirt with them a little? Maybe. But I know better. If the lighting is moody, there’s Gregorian chanting in the background, and someone with glowing eyes asks for my soul in exchange for eternal youth—I’m running.

Why I’d Avoid Them IRL: Because I read Anne Rice. I know how this ends.

Honorable Mentions:

• The brooding love interest who refuses to communicate like a functioning adult.
• Any character who says, “I’m doing this for your own good,” before making a life-altering decision without consulting you.
• That one best friend who disappears for 15 chapters and then shows up to give terrible advice.

Final Thoughts:

Books let us walk alongside people we’d never tolerate in real life—and thank goodness for that. I’ll happily devour their stories, analyze their flaws, maybe even swoon a little… but would I invite them over for tea? Absolutely not.

Now you tell me—who’s on your list of characters you never want to meet?